Sally Tabart
Sally has the kind of joyful disposition that is contagious, being around her induces serotonin. I’ve seen a lot of alluring highlight reels and picturesque moments of early parenthood, but Sally was one of the few people I’d seen share images of her baby crying. I felt instantly validated, especially since they came from someone so sunny.
The morning we spent at Sally’s was idyllic. Her partner was home, there were three of us ladies there, and Lila (Sally’s daughter) had the ceremony of a small crowd hyping her up. It was pure joy. But of course, not indicative of a regular day of parenting.
When Sally came to try on clothes in the shop, I reiterated that I didn’t want them to feel too fantastical. I was wary of contributing to a postcard image of motherhood.
The excitement Sally expressed as we played with clothes, combinations, and new ideas that nudged her norm gave me a realisation. These images, our time together, represent the glee of getting dressed and the fun of parenting around community. The outfits she is wearing are a result of this sense of play and alchemy. I find this particularly affecting in the re-orienting of self that results from becoming a parent.
Melissa: Sally, I’ve been lucky to have a deepening friendship with you through a similar stage of parenthood. Thank you for sharing some of the not so picturesque realities of postpartum-hood. It shattered the illusory glow that is sold to us around early parenting. When you look back on that time what words would you tell yourself as a brand new mother and to anyone going through that steep initiation?
Sally: If I could reach any shell shocked new mum I would tell her that everything is temporary. Even when those harrowing early postpartum days feel endless, they’re not. In fact, it all passes by so quickly that one day in only a matter of months you will barely remember the details of those first weeks. It will all be a blur.
I would tell her that feeling depressed or anxious may be normal, but it doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to do anything about it. Act soon. Take care of your mental health and get someone to help book you a doctor's or psychologist appointment to create a plan. Allow your mental health to be your partner’s responsibility, too.
I would tell her that her intuition is her most powerful tool, and while it might take some time to tune into that, soon enough you will have an almost telepathic relationship with your baby. You won’t believe how good you will get at reading their signs and being their mum.
I would tell her that the endless crying stops (yours and theirs).
I would tell her over and over and over again that somehow you will survive and that everyone is right: it gets so much better.
M: What are some of the biggest surprises and realisations you’ve experienced since Lila’s birth?
S: Something you hear a lot about motherhood is that it changes you. It’s hard to really grasp what that means in theory, and I was worried that I would have an identity crisis. But I’ve realised that I feel more like myself than I ever have before. Becoming Lila’s mum has recrafted me, but I’m still made of the same stuff. And I love this version of me.
I’m surprised at just how much I love being a mum. In my heart of hearts, I thought I would find the daily repetition a bit boring. But spending so much time with her is the greatest privilege, and watching her grow and come into herself has made me so incredibly proud.
I’ve struggled a lot with anxiety throughout my life and was worried that this would become heightened with a baby, but as she has gotten older I’ve found myself the least anxious I’ve ever been. I went on antidepressants in the weeks after giving birth (which no doubt I should have done years ago) so I’m sure that certainly helped! But also I think it's being forced to be totally present that has changed my outlook.
M: You shared that you would love to build a resource/refuge for early parenting that you wish had been available to you. What are your hopes for such a project?
S: I feel there is a gap in mental health support for parents, but particularly mums. I’ve been thinking about a project specifically for parents that provides immediate support in those moments of chaos, fear and uncertainty. A sort of mental health resource to ground you and feels like you’ve just had a chat with your best mum friend who gets it.
The transition to motherhood is so incredibly intense and raw, and you kind of just get pushed off the ledge. We spend so much time trying to figure out how the hell to look after our kids, but in chaotic moments, the most important parenting tool is the ability to regulate yourself first. Mums aren’t given the time, tools or strategies to do this, and there is so much contradicting information that leads to feeling incredibly overwhelmed and isolated.
This idea has been percolating in my mind for a while now. I’m not sure how it will evolve, but actively being there for new mums as a friend and peer is something I am really passionate about.
M: Music plays a big role in your connection with your partner. How has this woven into your life as a trio and can you share a playlist or some songs that have accompanied recent times?
S: We were at home together for 7 weeks when Lila was born, and the whole time there was music playing. It made everything feel a bit more lighthearted, normal and celebratory! The song that I played over and over that will always remind me of this time is ‘Close to You’ by The Carpenters.
Jez and I made a very sentimental mix that features a lot of these songs, and Lila makes a cameo! [listen]
M: At the end of our time together, you were compelled to keep the lace top you’re featured in. I styled it over a men’s shirt that you own. It was fun to unlock a new iteration of your style. How has your relationship to style been informed by becoming a mum?
S: With less time to experiment now I am interested in outfits that I know will always work and are fit for multiple purposes. While I might just be throwing on something basic at home every day, I’ve spent a lot of time finding my perfect version of the thing: an elastic waist pant that won’t bag out in the knees and could pass for trousers, a ballet-style scoop neck camisole I can easily feed in, a thin cotton cardigan that won’t feel itchy on Lila’s skin when I’m holding her.
At the moment comfort and practicality have been ruling my daily outfit decisions, but I’m not willing to compromise on staying true to my style. Even if it's just in small gestures like a scrunchie or a necklace I love. It really anchors me!
That lace top from the shoot was one of the first items I’ve worn recently that wasn’t primarily functional. I wanted to keep it to put away for a time where I can revisit a part of myself that adores the fun and frivolity of clothes. I know she’s not too far away.
S: What kind of influence do the clothes you wear have on your sense of self?
Clothes are so deeply linked to my sense of self. I’m not someone who is happy to just throw on whatever and will likely be in a shitty mood if I don’t like what I’m wearing, and I’ve done some crazy things for the sake of feeling myself.
M: When I was pregnant I could not get my head around what to wear in the hospital and obsessed over it for weeks. I felt like I would have a mental breakdown if I looked at myself in the mirror and I was wearing some maternity pajamas I hated (I probably should have thought more about the incoming mental breakdown of having the baby, but I projected this onto pyjamas). I went to the ridiculous lengths of getting a nightie hemmed to be the length I wanted, imagining myself swanning around in a vintage nightgown, when in reality I wore a singlet and an adult nappy for the whole time I was there. You’ve got to hand it to me for trying!
M: In which ways, big or small, do you work to harvest joy?
S: Making Lila laugh is the greatest joy of all time and I work to harvest that every day!
M: When you think about your future, what are you most excited for?
S: I really feel like there is a big creative time coming for me soon, and that motherhood is the key I needed to unlock that. Something rooted in this new phase of life, sharing the journey and supporting others through it. I’m so excited to see what’s behind that door.
M: Any final sentiments?
S: I think talking about motherhood can be really difficult. We feel apologetic for only being able to talk about this part of our lives, and yet it’s the centre of our universe. We are eager to show that there’s more to us than being ‘just a mum’, even though it’s the most important part of us.
We’ve all heard the ‘just you wait’ warnings that instil so much fear, and seen the romanticised version of motherhood on social media that doesn’t scratch the sides of what it's really like. Both are frustrating: it’s either too real, or it’s not real enough. How do we pay respect to the deeply challenging and the incredibly ecstatic elements at the same time?
I always come back to something you shared with me that I think sums up motherhood best, Mel: you will expand.
